I had the same problem with Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, neither of whom I’d ever actually seen in a movie. They both had dark [...]]]> As a young’un, I couldn’t tell Burt Reynolds from Tom Selleck. To me, they both fell into that broad category called “older dudes with mustaches” and were therefore interchangeable.

I had the same problem with Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, neither of whom I’d ever actually seen in a movie. They both had dark hair and played gangsters, so they must be the same person.

(Image source)

Inexplicably, I also confused the themes from Last of the Mohicans and Wuthering Heights . (I mean the film scores, not literary themes in the novels.) THEY ARE NOT THE SAME. NOT BY A MILE. Still, every time I thought about Wuthering Heights (which is fabulous), I’d start humming the Mohicans theme. When you’re confused, you’re confused.

When an old roommate mentioned she couldn’t tell butter and margarine apart, I thought she was a complete fool. But then, I once made a friend a sandwich with Miracle Whip and described it as mayo—what, there’s a difference?— and she was so disgusted she nearly choked. Who’s the fool now, Jaunty?

What people/places/things do you mix up? 

Here in NM, an ice cream van scoots down my street every afternoon. I never run out to greet it, due to:

1) veganism, yo

2) [...]]]> In some parts of the country, ice cream trucks don’t run year-round. This means SOME ice cream wagons don’t play Christmas tunes. Have I blown any southwestern minds yet?

Here in NM, an ice cream van scoots down my street every afternoon. I never run out to greet it, due to:

1) veganism, yo

2) thrift

3) having seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang too many times to trust a traveling sweets vendor.

(image source)

If only our local ice cream dude were a brilliant ballet dancer sporting an Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

When Grackle walked in and saw the album on my bed, he asked “When did Josh Groban get himself taxidermied?”

Since that pithy remark, I’ve never ‘shopped my eyeballs… and I’ve never looked at Mr. Groban quite the same [...]]]> Back in 2007, my Fairy Godmother sent me a copy of Josh Groban’s Christmas album.

When Grackle walked in and saw the album on my bed, he asked “When did Josh Groban get himself taxidermied?”

Since that pithy remark, I’ve never ‘shopped my eyeballs… and I’ve never looked at Mr. Groban quite the same way.

… they sure are entertaining. Kiss me, you  fool!

Can’t tell one Mahler symphony from the next? Help has arrived

Six Stages of Owning an Instrument. Truth.

Consult the Shakespeare Insult Kit, thou qualling, hell-hated codpiece!

Recently, three separate females informed me that another woman disliked them… because they’re just so pretty. I refrained from saying “no, it’s definitely your personality she hates” [...]]]>

Can’t tell one Mahler symphony from the next? Help has arrived

Six Stages of Owning an Instrument. Truth.

Consult the Shakespeare Insult Kit, thou qualling, hell-hated codpiece!

Recently, three separate females informed me that another woman disliked them… because they’re just so pretty. I refrained from saying “no, it’s definitely your personality she hates” or sending them this article

Discover the soft-core origins of Mahna Mahna

7 Things Some Women Have Got to Stop Doing in Public — I own the same sweater as the model for “stank face.” Her stank face trumps mine, no contest

Male brains! Female brains! When you examine sex-difference studies, be sure to use YOUR brain

Have you ever played the ol’ Free Rice games? My favorite category is “Famous paintings”

Best and Worst Beach Bodies? Rosie Molinary said Basta!

The famous Sal answered my plea for cute vegan clothes— over two years ago, she recommended some low-heeled shoes to me. Essentially, Sal is a genie and I’ve used up two wishes.

THIS JUST IN: Cheryl’s husband (Mr. Peculiar Girl?) presents Vegan in Two Minutes or Less

Apropos of nothing, I love Danny Kaye. My first (and last) electric guitar was named Dhani Kaye.

Is there anything you’d like to share with the class?

(Look, you can buy your own! This is not a recommendation!)

My siblings and I used to love this cartoon— partly for its tunes and memorable imagery, partly because we weren’t allowed to watch most other movies on Sundays.

If you’re dying to [...]]]> Do you remember the Kingdom Chums?

(Look, you can buy your own! This is not a recommendation!)

My siblings and I used to love this cartoon— partly for its tunes and memorable imagery, partly because we weren’t allowed to watch most other movies on Sundays.

If you’re dying to see more, here you go:   II      III      IV      V      VI

In case you haven’t guessed or have repressed the memory, “The Original Top Ten” here refers to the Ten Commandments, each represented by a gold record and poppy song. Yes, yes, it’s all very tacky. But the Chums were voiced by Frankie Valli, Tony Orlando, Marilyn McCoo, Debby Boone, and Billy Preston. They improved matters somewhat.

Are you wondering how the Kingdom Chums explain “Thou shalt not commit adultery” in a G rated manner? With the song Be Loyal to the One You Love!

Readers, I could analyze this cartoon all the livelong day. Must all the female characters wear short skirts? If Petey and Annie are supposed to be model Christian children, why on EARTH are they so snide? Wouldn’t Annie’s voice make top-notch ipecac? How do the circular records fit in the heart-shaped carrying case? Why does Osborne get in more trouble for almost swearing than for planning to kill Petey? Is Petey’s delivery of the recurring line “uuuuuuunbelievable!” as bad as “excuuuuse me, princess,” or worse?

Notice that the only non-Christian character is also a thieving, lying bully who uses poor grammar, threatens to kill Petey AND incites the wrath of God by [almost] taking the lord’s name in vain. Charming. However, Petey does have one major weakness… I mean, apart from being verbally abusive. No spoilers here!

Did you grow up with the Kingdom Chums?
Also, would anyone care to analyze this with me, or shall we move on?

(image via humble brick home)

Last Friday, I decided to walk to the store. Balmy weather, high spirits, I got plenty o’ nothin’ and nothin’s plenty for me. Life seemed so ginger peachy, I broke into a cheerful run.

Before I’d covered even two blocks, a police car drove past, [...]]]>

(image via humble brick home)

Last Friday, I decided to walk to the store. Balmy weather, high spirits, I got plenty o’ nothin’ and nothin’s plenty for me. Life seemed so ginger peachy, I broke into a cheerful run.

Before I’d covered even two blocks, a police car drove past, made a U-turn, and pulled up next to me.

“Is everything alright?” he asked.
“Yes!”  I answered, trying to look like an honest, upright citizen.
“Just running?”
“Yeah, just running.” In jeans and a dress shirt, suspiciously enough.

He drove away.

Now, being undeniably out of shape, I can’t run fast or far. But having told a law enforcement officer that I was out for a run, I felt morally obligated to keep running. Step after step, yard after yard, I huffed along. Jog jog jog, run run. Three or four police cars drove by—- or was it that same officer, checking on my story?

Three days later, my calves were still sore. Having pined for calf muscle lo these many years, this soreness inspired me to slap on some “sportswear” and go for a short run today. Having come this far, it was no trouble to do a few squats and lunges while making dinner— putting me back on the unfamiliar road to fitness.

Thanks, officer. Or, thanks, lifelong fear of being mistaken for a criminal. Whatever gets the ball rolling, right?

Fun with outtakes!

Alright, fine, so no one but Kelly has ever asked about my sordid relationship with veganism, and even she didn’t call it that. Humor me.

While you’re visiting Peculiar [...]]]> Today is the day you have all been waiting for: I am discussing my sordid relationship with veganism over at Peculiar Girl.

Fun with outtakes!

Alright, fine, so no one but Kelly has ever asked about my sordid relationship with veganism, and even she didn’t call it that. Humor me.

While you’re visiting Peculiar Girl, take a gander at her posts about her small, cheap, nonconformist wedding, What Not to Wear (I got a tad comment-happy on that one), and some ugly stereotypes.

Cheryl, the Peculiar Girl herself, has written a post for me, too. Scroll down and feast your eyes, or read it here: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Leather: Cute Vegan Shoes for Everyone

Happily, I had the foresight to photograph some local color ‘n’ kitsch:

A mural in the local airport— not up [...]]]> Do you realize that I lived not half an hour from Just Born, Inc. for an entire year and never once cracked jokes about the prevalence of Peeps? Talk about squandered opportunities!

Happily, I had the foresight to photograph some local color ‘n’ kitsch:

A mural in the local airport— not up this tourist’s artistic standards, judging by her face. I spy visible disdain.

The PeepMobile aka my new dream car. Hope the Peep doubles as a luggage rack; it can’t be good for gas mileage.

Friends, I urge you to document your tackiest local scenery. Heaven knows when you’ll suddenly move to tamer pastures and long for the green, green Easter grass of home.



 

Now, I can’t imagine how that quote led them here—– do we ever discuss Kevin Arnold OR roomy crotches?—but this is the ONLY line from The Wonder Years that I know.

Anonymous internet stranger, you are [...]]]> Today, someone found this blog by searching for “wonder years “theres plenty of room in kevin arnold\’s crotch”.

Now, I can’t imagine how that quote led them here—– do we ever discuss Kevin Arnold OR roomy crotches?—but this is the ONLY line from The Wonder Years that I know.

Anonymous internet stranger, you are seeking The Wonder Years, season three, episode four, entitled “Mom Wars”.

The scene begins at 2:06, and the line is delivered at 2:55.

Always happy to help.

Kevin Arnold and I share a deep, abiding hatred of shopping for pants. My hips are about 14″ bigger than my waist, and my thighs are wider than my hips, so… skirts.