Jaunty Dame » Fitness

Sugar Sugar

Rebekah — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 05:26:02 +0000

ME: “Hi! This is your conscience speaking. Whatcha doin’?”

Me: “Having a midafternoon snack!”

ME: “If by snack you mean….”

Me: “Fine, you caught me; I’m eating powdered sugar.”

ME: “Defend yourself.”

Me: “I’m a sugar junkie. You KNOW that.”

ME: “What would your dentist say? That tooth-fixing man with gloves? Last seen in November 2005?”

Me: “Hear me out! If I ate cookies, I’d be eating sugar, fat, AND white flour. I’ve merely cut to the chase.”

ME: “You don’t deserve to have teeth.”

Target Weight

Rebekah — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 06:45:18 +0000

I would like to weigh 289672.5440806 square inches of air (at sea level).

Currently, I’m tipping the scales at 2000 human eyeballs or 12626.26262626 sheets of paper or 333.3333333333 hockey pucks.

But hey, that means I only weigh 0.1133980936238…. well…

um…

…right whale testicles.

Thank you, weirdconverter.com, for putting things in perspective.

What I Learned from Zumba

Rebekah — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 02:53:12 +0000

I have never been a mover and/or shaker. For one thing, I can’t tell left from right; the hokey-pokey’s hard for me, forget real dancing. By the time my brain has processed “ball change, shuffle, allemande!” the dance is over and the band’s gone home.

Sure, I took one semester of jazz dance… but once you’ve been GRADED on your ability to prance whilst swinging a cane and wearing a red sequined top hat, it takes real courage to face another thirty-foot mirror.

Luckily, real courage is my hallmark. (Yes, it is. Just decided.) So when Annie invited me to a free Zumba class, I girded my loins with sweatpants and shook what my mama gave me. Weeks later, some of it’s still shaking.

As much as I hated the [gimmicky, overhyped] idea of Zumba, I loved the reality. I always walk out of class feeling happy, brave, and strangely sexy. Yes, me! Really!

Here’s What I Learned:

1. Don’t judge a book/person/fitness program by its cover/name/ad campaign. Give new things/people a fair chance.

2. There is a time and a place for fleshiness; if I were bony, what would I shake during Zumba? Latin dance and hip hop were designed with jiggling in mind, and it feels great.

3. Don’t think so hard. While doing Zumba, I catch myself overanalyzing. You know, trying to mentally notate syncopations and wondering how dance pedagogues classify various body movements. Years of college have warped my brain. FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, LADY, WILL YA JUST DANCE?!

There you have it.

Big Ol’ Legs

Rebekah — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 02:54:11 +0000

As I was walking home from school, I noticed seated stranger leering at me. Not a casual glance, mind you; this guy’s eyes were GLUED to my skirt.

“Waiting for the bus?” he asked.

“No.” I answered, avoiding eye contact.
“You like to walk, eh?”
“Yes.”
“I can tell! You got some BIG ol’ legs!” He said, making an enormous circle with his hands.

Before I could lob a brick at his head, he continued;

“They’re beautiful! You got a boyfriend?”
“I do.”
“He’s lucky!”

But he was too late; I had escaped, taking my thighs with me.

Once I was out of earshot, I snickered. Of all the abysmal pick-up lines…

Did this story give you flashbacks to the Worst Purchase illustration?

Me? Work out?

Rebekah — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 18:09:44 +0000

Christmas IS the season of miracles; I went running this morning! It’s been a YEAR since I lifted weights, and nearly six months since I regularly ran at the college track. Shameful.

Because I’ve never been athletic, my workout wardrobe is somewhat… lacking:

What the well-dressed slugabed is wearing this season

My mother wore this blood-red Land’s End chamois shirt when I was little, and it’s been my housecoat/security blanket for the past ten years. Mom added the huge patch, which features a Native American chief with killer cheekbones, sporting a feathered headdress. It reads “CAPTURE THE SPIRIT”. Offensive stereotypes? Kinda, yeah. Maybe that’s why the patch is seceding from the garment.

Today, I renew my dedication to exercise and self-care. Three months from now I will be fitter, firmer, and able to do more than 2.5 push-ups. Hell, I may even earn killer cheekbones!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to ~gulp~ go record my “Before” measurements.

Capture the spirit, y’all!