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ME: “Hi! This is your conscience speaking. Whatcha doin’?” Me: “Having a midafternoon snack!” ME: “If by snack you mean….” Me: “Fine, you caught me; I’m eating powdered sugar.” ME: “Defend yourself.” Me: “I’m a sugar junkie. You KNOW that.” ME: “What would your dentist say? That tooth-fixing man with gloves? Last [...] I would like to weigh 289672.5440806 square inches of air (at sea level). Currently, I’m tipping the scales at 2000 human eyeballs or 12626.26262626 sheets of paper or 333.3333333333 hockey pucks. But hey, that means I only weigh 0.1133980936238…. well… um… …right whale testicles. Thank you, weirdconverter.com, for putting things in perspective. [...] I have never been a mover and/or shaker. For one thing, I can’t tell left from right; the hokey-pokey’s hard for me, forget real dancing. By the time my brain has processed “ball change, shuffle, allemande!” the dance is over and the band’s gone home. Sure, I took one semester of jazz dance… but once [...] As I was walking home from school, I noticed seated stranger leering at me. Not a casual glance, mind you; this guy’s eyes were GLUED to my skirt. “Waiting for the bus?” he asked. “No.” I answered, avoiding eye contact. “You like to walk, eh?” “Yes.” “I can tell! You got some BIG ol’ [...] Christmas IS the season of miracles; I went running this morning! It’s been a YEAR since I lifted weights, and nearly six months since I regularly ran at the college track. Shameful. Because I’ve never been athletic, my workout wardrobe is somewhat… lacking: What the well-dressed slugabed is wearing this season
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