This weekend, I saw The Last of the Mohicans for the first time. My thoughts are as follows:
1. Don’t let the poster fool you: Daniel Day-Lewis was not the Last of the Mohicans. In fact, no one was. The Mahicans/Mohicans and Mohegans are alive and well.
More accurate titles might include “Slaughter and Pride,” “Hawkeye’s Tacked-On Afterthought Romance,” or “Natty Bumppo and the WRST WK EVR.”
2. In the James Fenimore Cooper novel, the Daniel Day-Lewis’ character was named Natty Bumppo, AKA Hawkeye. For the film, this name was gentrified into Nathaniel Poe. Pshaw, people. Pshaw.
Natty Bumppo is a fantastic name for anything: a band, dance step, sexual congress. Read these sentences aloud:
I’m getting a Natty Bumppo tattoo; their first album changed my life.
He stood before the mirror, practicing his natty bumppo for the homecoming dance.
If you hadn’t been all natty bumppo with Elise, you coulda caught your bus.
3. Don’t you hate seeing Apparent Makeup in period films? What are the odds that Cora and Alice wore coordinating eyeshadow and lipstick in 1757?
4. This movie departs from the Cooper novel in multitudinous, big ol’ honking ways. The film’s as much a ‘reinvention’ as an ‘adaptation.’ I’m guessing Danielle Steele stepped in to write Hawkeye’s “I’ll find you” speech. All I’m saying is, if you’ve been assigned you to read Last of the Mohicans, don’t watch the movie instead. You’ll never get away with it.
5. Mr. DD-L must have run seven marathons in the making of this film. It feels as though he spent half the film running, his long hair streaming, wind billowing through the sail-like sleeves of his shirt, its oversize neckline hanging askew to reveal rippling whatever. What, they couldn’t get Fabio? I like to imagine the director yelling “CUT! You’re doing great, Daniel, just great. Love the hair. But this time, I’d like to see something more fearsome, you know? And keep those sleeves moving.”
BOTTOM LINE: This movie was completely wasted on me. What did you think of it?