On Sunday, as I hiked to my retail job, a rainstorm appeared and leaked all over me for half an hour. I reached the mall soaked through, dark stripes of mascara trickling down my cheeks. Did I mention that my work shirt is white? Everyone in the mall now has a masters degree in, oh, MY TORSO.
No big deal. I washed my face at work, dried my head with a paper towel, and reconciled myself to feeling damp and plain for an evening.
Which reminds me! Yesterday, I was mistaken for a man.
Twice.
And that’s alright. Understandable even, though a wet white shirt might have cleared up the matter.
As a youth, little events like these might have kept me up at night. What if people think I’m a tramp? What if my boss gets mad? Does being mistaken for a man mean I’m ugly?
These days, I have mellowed considerably. Not to brag, but I can sometimes attain a rapturous state of indifference.
Attaining indifference is SO much faster than reaching enlightenment, let me tell you. All it takes is a vague awareness that far better and far worse things have happened to you and will happen again.
Kapow! Instant perspective!
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE:
I wrote all the above words yesterday, but didn’t publish the post. It felt iffy and unfinished.
Well, here’s your update.
With my housemates out of town, I had to walk home from work tonight. I thought about Jesse’s safety tips. Three separate cars honked at me, and I wondered why men do that to women. “Hey baby, I’m gonna create sudden loud noises while you’re walking in the dark— now who’s the boss?” Still, I felt good about life and was singing “Gotta Get Up” along with Harry Nilsson… until someone called out “Miss! Excuse me, miss!”
It was almost 10 PM on a dark, quiet street and I was not delighted to see a young man walking behind me. Grackle once accused me of “treating all men as guilty until proven innocent.” You got it, Grack. He mentioned this when I admitted that ANY time I pass a man on the sidewalk, I take a long, hard look at him in case I should need to identify him to the police.
But I turned to the young man. He asked what street we were on. As a person who is usually lost and always in need of assistance, I helped him get his bearings.
Having eyeballs, I immediately noticed that this guy did not look like me and remembered Cheryl’s post on white privilege. I wondered if this young man had been nervous about approaching me, how often he could see fear in people’s eyes when they looked at him, the way I see wariness in so many eyes since shaving my head.
Naturally, he asked to borrow my phone to call his girlfriend, and naturally I lent it to him. Then he ran away.
I won’t feign indifference. I stood in the dark, every sense triggered and tingling.“YOU ARE NOT SAFE!” my brain hissed, “YOU ARE A SMALL, WEAK FEMALE AND WILL NEVER, EVER KNOW SAFETY. YOU WILL BE FOREVER AT THE MERCY OF LARGER CREATURES.”
But ever the quick thinker, a thousand other thoughts crowded in:
This could have been much worse; I could have met a rapist, not a petty thief.
He could have run TOWARD my home, not away from it.
He could have stolen my purse or my keys.
He could have been armed or violent.
Maybe he’s been driven to desperation. Maybe he really needs a phone. Or maybe this was a whim or a dare.
He seemed like a nice guy, friendly and well-groomed.
Maybe that previous thought is proof of what an easy target I really am. How could I be so stupid as to trust him? No; I don’t fully trust anyone on the street after sunset, especially men who suddenly appear behind me.
Oh no…. what if he didn’t “suddenly” appear—- was he following me?
What do I keep on my phone? I’ve saved all the important photos and messages… that guy’s got my only menstrual period schedule. Lucky him. Song ideas. Blog ideas. Some bank account information, might have to close accounts tomorrow…
As I recall, mine was the second cheapest T-mobile phone. Third? Either way, nothing worth starting a criminal record for. I was listening to an iPod Touch when the guy found me. Wouldn’t that have made a better haul?
No, I shouldn’t have been walking alone in the dark. I should have gotten a license at 16 like Most People and gotten a good job after college so I could afford a car like Most People. I should have called a cab, thereby negating my job’s minimum wages.
Could I have pretended not to hear him? No. If I’d been wearing both earbuds, I wouldn’t have heard him at all. Could I have refused to lend him my phone? No, he was bigger than me. Should I have pursued him? Hardly.
I would never be able to recognize him in a line-up.
I’ve been robbed before; clothes were taken from my clothesline in college (only the brand name ones, amusingly), and my bike was stripped twice. My previous, much prettier bike, was stolen. But no one’s ever robbed my person until tonight.
I hurried home, still shaken and vulnerable.
I carried Grendel into the living room, sat down, and cried like a child. Some combination of sunscreen runoff and allergies left my eyes stinging horribly, and when I washed my face I saw stars. I went online and got my phone line suspended, though I’ll still have to pay the phone bill until my contract expires in a year. (Cuss cuss cuss.) I spent two hours trying and failing to reach Ian online. He’ll have to read the news here.
I could refine this post, tinkering and re-editing to create a clearer, more vivid story. Hardly seems worth the bother.
Worse things have happened, and worse things will happen again. Kapow! Instant perspective.
Except that my brain still can’t believe what happened. O for yesterday, when going to work in a wet shirt seemed newsworthy.
Oh no! I am soooo soo glad that you are safe :) You would think the stupid phone company would be nice enough to not make you pay the bill for a stolen phone… On the plus side, you can make calls in google anywhere in America for free in 2011. Maybe a pair of roller blades could help you get from point A to B a little faster without the risk of being stolen?
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I also treat men as guilty until proven otherwise. It’s just how it is for many women (or even many people). When guys find this unbelievable, I usually show them some version of this: http://jessiedress.tumblr.com/post/7105324472/the-following-day-i-attended-a-workshop-about
So sorry that this crappy thing happened to you. :( Glad you’re safe and otherwise unharmed.
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That’s it, lady – I’m coming over and driving you to and from work from now on. You’ll just have to feed me. And give me a place to sleep. And help me find a job…
On the kick of Schrodinger’s rapist, I, too, stare down every man I pass, memorizing key features in case I need them later. You end the post with, “Worse things have happened, and worse things will happen again. Kapow! Instant perspective,” and along with perspective I think that idea gives you responsibility.
You’re right, worse things could happen again. So what are you going to do about it? Rollerblade (like Lori suggested)? Bike? Take a self-defense class? Public transportation? I’m a big believer in figuring out what the worst that can happen is, and then doing everything in my power to prevent it. Some people say that’s a defeatist and negative attitude, but I think it’s empowering. It doesn’t mean everything will turn out perfectly, but it means I did everything I could to control the outcome of a situation.
I’m so sorry this happened.
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Glad you’re safe. A neighbor and friend of mine was jumped and beaten while walking home at night from a bar a couple of weeks ago, because of a rumor started at that bar that he was a pedophile. Fortunately, he wasn’t badly hurt, and he got his phone and glasses back, but his iPad was destroyed and he moved out of his apartment two days later. A couple of years ago, two other friends of mine were walking in a bad neighborhood at night and were similarly jumped, although for no reason as far as we know; one friend got a broken nose and was knocked unconscious before the other friend scared the attackers off.
It’s unsettling to know how unsafe we can be, even when we assume safety because we assume other people are basically good. It hurts to be so distrustful because other people might take advantage of us. I’m sad to be glad that all that happened was that another person took a small piece of your property and violated your trust and sense of safety in that action, that nothing worse happened when nothing should have happened in the first place. Please be safe and be strong for yourself.
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Oh, Rebekah, that’s so upsetting! I’m so sorry this happened to you. Yes, worse things have happened, but that doesn’t mean it’s not terribly frightening when it does happen.
On a more cerebral note, I think the link between the two modes of thinking you had going on here is fascinating. Being mistaken for a man might feel freeing when it’s about the joy of feeling liberated from gender roles…and then when it’s clear that, no, you’re not “really” mistaken for a man, that vulnerability of womanhood can feel evermore piercing. I mean, he might have robbed a man too, but the very things you were writing about are particular to being a woman walking the streets.
I’m so sorry that you were violated like this.
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So sorry this happened. Glad you had Grendelto come home to. Glad you won’t ne living there much longer. Glad you’ll be here soon. Starting to rethink how smart it is to have so much information on my so-called smartphone.
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Holy crap! That’s really assy — I’m very glad you’re okay physically! The fact that the cell phone people’re making you pay for it for another year is just ludicrous, and adds insult to injury.
I think the point that Autumn made about how it feels different (and sharper?) to realize your vulnerability when you’ve been initially mistaken for a man is spot on, and I’ve noticed the same thing from time to time. It’s like you get a glimpse of what it would be like to not have to be on your guard all the time, and the fact that you’re on your guard all the time gets thrown into sharper relief.
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J says report it to the police, and send copy of police report to phone company, they should not be making you pay for a phone that was stolen! I’m not sure they legally can….and even so if you make a sufficient stink I bet they’ll back down. Companies have been known to lie about what they can do assuming 99% of people will just believe them and keep paying…don’t join that 99%.
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Good grief! Sometimes it sucks to be a nice person, because not-so-nice people will take advantage. I’m so happy you are OK, and you have every right to be angry and to feel scared.
I don’t like when people say women shouldn’t be walking alone. It’s our patriarchal culture that makes this a problem. When a woman gets attacked, people’s response is often “What was she doing out at night?” rather than “What was he doing out attacking women?”
The only blame here belongs on the man who robbed you. It’s his fault, and his fault alone.
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Re: Indifferent
“Not to brag, but I can sometimes attain a rapturous state of indifference.”
Lol. You should brag about this. I aspire to a rapturous state of indifference. Love the image!
Re: Endangered:
I tried (for about 48 hrs.) to think of something encouraging to say about this. But it’s just one of those things without a suitable response other than: That sucks! I’m so sorry.
I would have done exactly the same thing and I’m someone who perfected the “I’d just as soon kill you as look at you” look.
There’s no lesson in it. I’m with Cheryl – that guy just opened a can of hugely negative karma on himself…his proverbial phone will get stolen soon, you can count on it.
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Ladies, I have read each of your comments many times, and I wish I could give you all a big hug and a plate of brownies. You help me remember how many caring, top-notch, non-thieving people live on this planet.
Thank you all.
Lori, I HAVE started using Google Voice thanks to your awesome suggestion.
I will be looking for a self-defense class soon. Better safe.
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