(What makes this a rerun? The fact that I posted it on Facebook years ago. Enjoy.)
click image for remarkably entertaining source
Feeling Loved: A He-Man Story
When I was but a wee lass, my favorite toy was a He-Man action figure belonging to my big brother, James.
More accurately, this was half of a He-Man figure; he’d suffered a tragic lawnmower-related accident and his top half was ne’er seen again. I kept the lower half, with its furry, belted Speedo and ridiculously muscular boot-clad legs.
My mother says that me and He-Man Crotch were thick as thieves. She couldn’t pry the thing out of my grubby hands long enough to replace it with a daintier, more socially acceptable toy.
(Let’s not psychoanalyze this, okay? Okay.)
Decades passed.
After a long, lousy day during college, I was delighted to receive a message from James describing his son L’s’s recent obsession:
“CONGRATULATIONS! You are L’s new favorite person!!!
He likes to hold your picture- he makes us take it off the wall.
He likes to smile at it.
He likes to give it kisses.
He likes to sing to it.
He tries to feed it.
In short, I fear that you may have become the new He-Man’s Crotch (as bad as that looks in print).”
Ladies and gentlemen, do you see what this MEANS?
It means that, at long last, I am finally receiving the reverence and adoration I deserve.
Somewhere, He-Man’s Upper Half is smiling down upon me, gratified to see that I am loved as I once loved him…
… half of him, anyway.
We should all be so lucky as to get to be someone’s He-Man’s crotch!
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See that prominent muscle on the front of He-Man’s thigh? On your He-man that muscle on his left leg was sheared off by the lawnmower. If anyone is wondering, the color goes all the way through, his tan is not sprayed on.
Gosh you were a cute kid.
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While He-Man and his pals might seem kind of gay in hindsight if you’ve ever seen the cartoon, you can tell he’s definitely not gay because they all wore the same style of belt (which seems like a major faux-pas). Then again, that underwear is awfully furry…
Is there anyway that we could promote this blog post so that He-Man’s Crotch becomes an Internet meme? It deserves to be!
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Did any of you Jaunty Dame readers have a beloved toy/object your parents could not pry from your small grubby paws?
What was Your He-Man’s Crotch???
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Katie – In my eyes, Katie, you’ll always be He-Man’s Crotch.
mum – Are you telling us that Me-Man died of skin cancer? It makes so much sense…
Jacob – Thinking it over are we even sure he’s wearing briefs? Maybe it’s just a belt and boots! *gasp*
I leave the meme-fronting to you. Don’t lose sleep over it, though.
mum – I’m trying to remember if I had any others… nothing’s coming to me.
Did you have one?
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I don’t recall if I had an object that really meant all that much to me… I had an Ewok that up and vanished. Madeline and I were rolling/sliding him down the stairs and the last time he went down we never saw him again. We looked EVERYWHERE!!!
*sigh*
Maybe Chief Chirpa’s whole self and He-Man’s upper self are waiting for us on the otherside?
yeah.
I kinda doubt it, too.
Now, all these years later, if I see a Chief Chirpa at the shop I still become very tempted to bring him home with me. I already have 4.
How geeky am I? If I HAD a power animal, it would probably be an Ewok.
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Rebekah Reply:
March 15th, 2011 at 12:18 AM
Awwwww— Chief Chirpa is The One That Got Away.
Ewoks would make an exceptionally cute power animal. Are Luck Dragons fair game?
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