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Dear Powers That Be, I’ve been student teaching music classes for almost two months. Teaching is hard. Anyone who says otherwise should be chastised, fined, and drop-kicked into a stagnant pond. Lately, I’ve been dreaming of a cushier life. A life with fewer glockenspiels. A life filled with travel, dry wit, freshly pressed clothes, and fine food. Less warm demander, more man about town. [...] 
ME: “Hi! This is your conscience speaking. Whatcha doin’?” Me: “Having a midafternoon snack!” ME: “If by snack you mean….” Me: “Fine, you caught me; I’m eating powdered sugar.” ME: “Defend yourself.” Me: “I’m a sugar junkie. You KNOW that.” ME: “What would your dentist say? That tooth-fixing man with gloves? Last seen [...] 
I would like to weigh 289672.5440806 square inches of air (at sea level). Currently, I’m tipping the scales at 2000 human eyeballs or 12626.26262626 sheets of paper or 333.3333333333 hockey pucks. But hey, that means I only weigh 0.1133980936238…. well… um… …right whale testicles. Thank you, weirdconverter.com, for putting things in perspective. [...] 
I have never been a mover and/or shaker. For one thing, I can’t tell left from right; the hokey-pokey’s hard for me, forget real dancing. By the time my brain has processed “ball change, shuffle, allemande!” the dance is over and the band’s gone home. Sure, I took one semester of jazz dance… but once [...] 
Now that I have several inches of hair, shampoo is on my mind. Whee! RECOMMENDED READING: *Bill Bunn explains What’s Really In Your Shampoo. Startling stuff. *Allison Aubrey presents shampoo’s history in tells us When It Comes to Shampoo, Less Is More from npr.com. Be sure to study the final paragraph. EXPERIMENTATION: Over the past [...] |
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