Of all the numbskulled, senseless “Wait, what?!” things I bought last year, The Hands Down Worst Purchase of 2009 was…
… two pair of Leg Avenue peachy-flesh-toned fishnet thigh-high stockings. I love fishnets, and I thought thigh-highs might suit me better than standard pantyhose.
In the words of Fastball, “How could I have ever been so blind?”
PRODUCT REVIEW: These Leg Avenue stockings come in one size only; 90-160 pounds.That should have warned me. Sure, they’re stretchy, but a 70-pound range? Please.
While the lace tops stretch nicely, the legs were big (baggy ankles) and much too long; though designed to be worn with a garter belt, they were long enough to hike up and tuck into my underwear. Hilarious, yes, but also hideous.
PERSONAL ISSUE: I carry 78% of my weight around my upper thighs. Knowing this about myself, why did I pay good money for lacy bands of elastic to dig into my unsuspecting Leg Chub®?
Because a photo would be both tasteless AND depressing as hell, I’ve provided the following illustration:
See my problem?
What was your most regrettable purchase of 2009? Bonus points for illustrations!
Oh, and if anyone taller than me with thighs of steel needs two pair of Leg Avenue stockings, I’ll cut you a deal.
I’m lovin your illustration,but I feel your pain. I too own some ill-begotten thigh-hi stockings. Jim has NOT seen me in them.
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oh my goodness, this is hilarious! this illustration speaks to what happens every morning when i put on tights.
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Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point.” I sigh every time I see it on my bookshelf. What was I thinking?
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I’ve got a great Shakira song for you to perform when wearing clothes that put you in that state of mind…
My worst purchase was a reusable mug that was shaped like a disposable one, but ceramic with a rubber lip. It was great until one day I put my backpack down and it shattered. Epic fail.
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I can’t think of my personal worst purchase of the year (I’m sure there’s something absolutely awful, but maybe I’ve repressed the memory), but I know I did buy Leg Avenue thigh highs one year for Halloween and it didn’t end well. I never got to wear them out because the I’m-guessing-large-size thigh highs made my kinda chunky thighs look… well, just like your illustration. I suppose I figured that I have thigh highs from Victoria’s Secret that work, so these would, too. I was SO wrong.
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HAHAHAHA. I can’t get over the drawing and the caption “leg suffering untold indignities”
Hmm. I’d have to say that my worst investment was my trip to Mayo Clinic, in Florida, and also all of the stuff I had done to my old car, before eventually giving up on it. Haha!
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This is hilarious! hahahahahaha You totally made my day, Reb!!! hahahahaha
I love the drawing and the story… It’s not the first time that I spend my money on some cool tights that were always too small for my legs.
=*
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mum – Perhaps you can bury them in the dead of night? Use them as ties for tomato plants?
What Would a Nerd Wear – I hear you. Flesh is squishy.
Pravit – Amazon or Half.com might be willing to help you out. I read ‘Blink’ and ‘Outliers’, and enjoyed both… but not enough to pay for them.
Dylan G – Does it involve… horses?
Man! I’m sorry your ironic mug met a tragic end. Was your bag filled with expensive textbooks at the time?
Vanessa – Ooh, are you saying that Victoria’s Secret might work better for me? I hate to give up… but I also hate to reenact that illustration ever again.
Sophia – Suitable for framing! Should I start selling lithographed prints?
Those were BIG purchases, I’m sorry they didn’t pan out.
Smiley Woman That illustration strikes a chord with a LOT of women. Flesh is squishy! Anyone whose watched Olympic runners knows that even muscle has considerable jiggle… =)
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And that jiggle is why in the film ‘Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason’ women women fall Madly in Love with Colin Firth when he says the line, “I have quite a high opinion of your wobbly bits”.
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Rebekah Reply:
January 17th, 2010 at 12:22 AM
Men in romantic comedies always know just what to say. Female screenwriters help.
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I too made the mistake of getting a pair of Leg Avenue Thigh-highs this year. I wore them for the first time when we were visiting James and Winty and the young ‘uns just before Thanksgiving… You could see the animal-balloon effect THROUGH my denim trousers. Ugh. I can’t claim it as my bad purchase since Jay bought them for me. I wanted tights anyway, but they didn’t have them in checkerboard.
My worst purchase was my “adorable” dwarf Himalayan rabbit, Smudge, and her various accessories. She turned out to hate people, kicking and biting like a vampire donkey. (I’ve never met a rabbit that wasn’t sweet before!) Then she ran away and we were worried for her safety, but I’d be lying if I said I missed her.
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Rebekah Reply:
January 17th, 2010 at 4:56 AM
Seems like Leg Avenue needs to a little research concerning human legs vs. elastic.
Ah, I’d forgotten about Smudge. Poor you. Poor her. Poor y’all.
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