Mystery at the Co-op II

Spirits were high at Jaunty Headquarters. Mr. Jaunty’s last client had finally settled accounts, and after three weeks of tearing out my boyish hair, I’d cracked the co-op mystery.

We used to think the local co-op was being sabotaged by an employee, but “Beach Wolf” was a red herring. Very clever, but not clever enough to outwit this Ace Detective. Here’s the scoop, babycakes:

What appeared to be a common sales flier was in fact a message board for seedy lowlives!

That’s right; scumbags have been communicating via grocery advertisements. Don’t believe me? Well, fella, let’s step outside and examine the latest evidence.

“What do you do when it’s Turkeyday and you don’t eat turkey? You eat a fake turkey made out of tofu – Probably not what the pilgrims had in mind when they invented Thanksgiving, but pretty tasty anyways.”

“Whenever your recipe calls for cocoa powder, you should totally use cocoa powder. Not baby powder.”

Ad copy? Fat chance, kitten; that kind of talk doesn’t sell organic foodstuffs. Those messages were used to alter the terms of dirty deals without arousing suspicion. Hidden in plain sight, boys and girls.

“Sunflower oil is a healthy choice for your healthy cooking oil needs. A favorite of astronauts, as well as velociraptors.”

A personal ad. This “sunflower” character is a hitman, formerly employed by “astronaut” and “velociraptor”. Local crime bosses, no doubt.

“Make your holiday pies with 100% organic, 100% pumpkin! Or just eat it right out of the can like a savage!”

“Organic California Long Grain Brown Rice. The grain of this rice is not only long, it’s also brown. Get some!”

“Holiday pies” and “Brown rice”, eh? So that’s what kids are callin’ it these days. I spy a pill-pusher.

“Maybe it’s a little bit like real roast turkey, only not. But kind of.”

“Yogurt doesn’t really rhyme with anything except for bloburt, and I don’t even know what that is.”

If those blurbs aren’t in secret code, I’ll eat my rakish, artfully tilted fedora.

“Worth $12,000, but actually only $2.99. Low fat, high fiber, whole grain, vegetarian, and no trans fats.”

Clearly, this chump is auctioning off stolen goods. No legit ad for breakfast cereal would quote a figure like $12,000. “Vegetarian” here means “meat free”, and by “meat free” I mean “they’ll never find the bodies.” If you want to be a private eye, you gotta think like a crook.

“If you can’t afford to get one of these cheesy macs, then you don’t have a dollar!

That’s right; this poor sap will mack for money. It could be your own sister.

“As a digestive aid, drink ginger tea with your meal. No one will laugh at you, because they’ll know you won’t be getting indigestion later.”

What could it mean? Foreign correspondent Lady Sierra has the answer:

“Isn’t it obvious? “Ginger tea” is code for a pre- and post-crime wipe-down solution which effectively removes all lint, hair, fingerprints, blood/body fluids, and other things which might be used later to link you to the crime. “No one will laugh at you” = nobody will ever find out; “because…you won’t be getting indigestion later” = because there won’t be a trace of “you” at the crime scene or the crime scene on you.”

Lady Sierra, you’re a credit to your profession.

So remember, kids; things aren’t always what they seem. Case closed.

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