Into every package of ladies’ underwear creeps one renegade, hellion pair bent on ruining your life. Panties that shift, twist, and ride up. Wear them by mistake, and you will spend the whole day ducking behind corners, covertly adjusting your wayward undies.
If you’re fortunate, you’ll discover this pair during a quiet day at home. “Whoa nelly!” you may exclaim, “These are renegade, hellion underpants!” You can slip off the offending svivvies and slingshot ’em out the nearest window.
Worst case, you might wear these Wedgiemakers to your court date. “Look at her squirming!” the jury will murmer, “Clearly a guilty conscience!” No one ever thinks to blame the underwear.
You have been warned.
You know how boxers have that flap in the front? Right. Well, the shall we say ‘cheaper ones’ have no mechanism with with to fasten said flap. This can lead to extreme discomfort. Behold!
I once had a whole bag of boxers that would force my “Stuff” out the front gate everyt ime I sat down. I’m sure many of you are thinking “so, don’t sit down!” Let me reassure you, in seventh grade you do a great deal of sitting down. After about a week of re-relocating my equipment I had the bright idea to simply wear them backwards. Booyah! While this may deny one the use of the flap at the urinal, its a small price to pay. Besides, I’ve never actually met a single dude who uses the flap for anything more then a hood scoop.
Rebekah: I love you desperately. Hood scoop! Brilliant!
I knew a guy who wore little white boxers, not only snap/button-free, but startlingly short. They covered his rump, but that’s all they accomplished. Once he answered the door wearing boxers and my eyes lost their innocence. True story.
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I love the evil underpants. Brilliant. And blood sucking. Vampire undies? Now THAT’s scary.
Rebekah: Thank you, thank you! They don’t suck blood, they just happen to have prominent canines. Not unlike me.
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I love your writings…and I love you!
Rebekah: I love you too, brown eyes! I always wanted brown eyes. =)
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Oooh! Your undies look so mean!
It is cold and crisp here. Long silky undies under a long dress weather.
Today I discovered the long version of evil underpants-not wedgiemakers but more like a voluntary tourniqet on one calf. The knit fabric must have been cut on a funny angle or something and the left leg of the undies kept twisting around my leg at an angle. Weird. They look just the same as all the others….
Rebekah: Eeek. Pantyhose can do that, too; I stare at my stocking-clad legs and they LOOK perfectly fine, but one of them is all twisted up. Yeesh, I HATE that feeling.
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I used to not use the flap in men’s underwear, but it is extremely useful when wearing a shirt tucked into pants. It allows you to go without unbuckling your belt and screwing up your shirt tuck, saving valuable time and the hassle of re-tucking your shirt every time you use the urinal. Besides, using the flap just feels less sloppy than pulling down your entire pants front. But the debate of proper flap usage has existed since time immemorial, or at least since men’s underwear with flaps was invented.
Regarding flap fastening, I always just leave the flap unbuttoned to save time and groping around trying to unbutton my boxers fly. But I’ve always wondered how my boxers somehow become magically re-buttoned every time I do the laundry. I’ll be at the urinal trying to pull my junk out, and be like, “Gee golly goshdarnit, my boxers re-buttoned themselves again!”
Rebekah: Because I so seldom wear men’s undies, this whole comment was like a big word problem for me. I had to read it to myself (slowly) three times before I understood what was going on.
Example: In reading this, I forgot that you man-types don’t have to pull down your pants to take a leak, so I thought you were tucking your dress shirts into your UNDERWEAR. Whew, glad I got THAT sorted out.
The re-buttoning boxers remain a mystery. Very ‘Twilight Zone’.
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Yeah, just to further clear things up, men are usually of two schools – “over the top” or “through the flap.” The former involves pulling down the front of your pants and underwear, and the main benefit is that it’s fast and you can do it without touching yourself.
And now I’ll apologize for hijacking your discussion about wedgiemakers. Not familiar with women’s underwear manufacturing irregularities, I wonder if it’s really always the same culprit, or if some days one’s panties get into a literal bunch by chance?
Rebekah: You haven’t hijacked anything, you’re adding valuable masculine perspective. I wore boxers for awhile, back when I wore JNCOs and other massive jeans. I like the idea of boxer briefs, but they’re not designed for someone with my ample thighs— and I found them strangely roomy in the crotch.
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Roomy is one of the things they brag about….we’re just not “equipped” to appreciate it.
Rebekah: I remember an episode of ‘The Wonder Years’ in which Kevin’s mom took him shopping for a suit. His mother announces to the fitter that the suit Kevin wants is a ‘a little roomy in the crotch’. Kevin imagines a PA announcer saying “ATTENTION, SHOPPERS: THERE’S PLENTY OF ROOM IN KEVIN ARNOLD’S CROTCH!”
Just came to me, thought I’d share. =)
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I’m glad you shared.
Thanks to your fan base I now know way more about the crotchal area of mens wear than I ever wanted to know…..
Rebekah: Plenty more where that came from! Think of this as multicultural education.
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I’ve learned that silk underwear is not the way to go. Talk about the Ultimate Destroyer Wedgie…
Rebekah: I knew a dude with a pair of red silk boxers. He LOATHED them, wouldn’t wear them until he was COMPLETELY out of underwear. I came to think of them as “The Red Flag”, because if he didn’t get around to doing laundry for a few days, he’d keep wearing those red silks….
MORAL: Wear pants that fit and innocent bystanders will be none the wiser.
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I don’t know what’s wrong with all y’all. I must have the perfect lower torso or be extremely lucky when buying underwear. I bought some panties last night and giggled because some of the packages said “wedgie-free.” I thought it was a lame gimmick. Now I find it’s a real issue.
Maybe I just have tolerant ‘tocks.
I could be the patron saint of comfy drawers!
Rebekah: Wow! I would have sworn ‘wedgie’ was one of those words marketers avoid at all costs.
You can only be the Patron Saint of Comfy Drawers if you’ll make a picture of yourself as such and let me post it here OR start your own blog and use it there. If only my Photoshop skills were as keen as my imagination.
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Ming Reply:
October 27th, 2009 at 4:44 AM
I’ll bet I can get Jay to take a picture of me and make me look like one of those votive candles you see in the “ethnic foods section” of Midwestern grocery stores. The only thing is, how can I incorporate undies when my hands are folded in chaste prayer for the comfort of other peoples’ bottoms?
Rebekah: By wearing them as a headdress, naturally. I know you two are busy, but I’d LOVE to see this project carried out.
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HAHAHAHA!!! I hadn’t yet seen a close-up of the underwear masterpiece you created. Wedgies are bad enough with normal underwear…but, underwear with teeth? LOL!
Rebekah: Thank you, it IS my masterpiece. I’ll probably die without besting myself.
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Sophia Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 5:19 AM
You may have just bested yourself with your new drawing. Haha. Well…at least, you came close. I may still prefer this toothed underwear one. LOL
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Rebekah Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 6:51 AM
I considered adding the bow and fanged face to the underwear in the “Worst Purchase” post, but alluding to my own work might be a tad premature.
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