It was a warm night at Jaunty Headquarters. I leafed through the co-op’s current sales flier, hoping to find a bargain. Times were hard, even for an ace detective.
Before I could toss the flier aside, its third-rate ad copy caught my eye:
“Why are the flavors of spinach and artichoke always paired up? Because they taste awesome together, that’s why!”
I tipped back my fedora. Something was wrong here. Very wrong.
“If you like pasta, then you’ll like this pasta!”
Why would the co-op hire first-graders to write its advertisements?
“Blue Sky All-Natural Soda is Super-Fizzy, Super-Fun, and Super-Fantastically Super-Delicious!”
My eyes narrowed.
“This coconut milk yogurt is so delicious, they named it So Delicious! I guess they weren’t feeling very creative that day…”
These were no first-graders; this was an inside job. I snuffed out my incense and paced the room.
“Made from the pure, wholesome milk of a cow and non-animal rennet for a tasty, yet lumpy, treat.”
Someone wanted to bump off the co-op by making good, organic food sound completely revolting. That much was plain.
“There are only about four uses for bread, and one of them is toast.”
Criminals always leave a trail, and this guy was no exception. He had typed “Return of the Beach Wolf!” across the top of page 3, plain as day.
“Diced tomatoes are much better than dice that have been tomatoed. True story.”
I cringed. Who was this Beach Wolf? A drunken frat boy? A numbskulled bimbo with a deadline?
“Not flatulent enough? Try beans!”
Whoever it was, this Beach Wolf character was disgracing my co-op. I pulled on my trench coat, locked up Headquarters, and hurried into the night. Jaunty Dame was on the case.
Hahahaha! Oh, my!
[Reply]
Maybe this Beach Wolf character should read the Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer for a better understanding of how these things work.
http://www.traderjoes.com/flyers/az_flyer.pdf
I must say that I love the long nose gnome drawing on page 8!!!
Rebekah: Merciful heavens! That thing was EPIC. The li’l cartoons made me happy, and they made their products sound APPEALING…
…Unlike, say, “There isn’t a problem in the world that can’t be solved with a tall sweaty glass of kefir.”
Man, how did I miss that one?
[Reply]
Johanna Reply:
October 27th, 2009 at 9:42 AM
:-O!!!! That’s all I have to say!!!
Rebekah: I understand.
[Reply]
I love your writing! more please!
I’m hooked, what happens next, does Jaunty Dame figure it out…of course she does, she’s the heroine of the story…but who was writing these things and why? oooo, ooo, ooo. I love your writing! lol
Rebekah: More as it comes to me!
I haven’t cracked the Beach Wolf case yet. I’m not sure I SHOULD, really, because then I’ll be insulting a real person’s writing on the Interwebs, and maybe that’s mean. Or maybe SOMEONE needs to step forward and ask “Is anyone editing this publication? Anyone?”
[Reply]
‘Beach Wolf’ needs to rethink his career in marketing, that’s for sure. Maybe Jaunty will help him find some position more suited to his talents. Though I don’t know how many jobs are out there for writers who rely on fart jokes.
Rebekah: I’d help if I could, but… but any writer who’d submit “If you’re a fan of water and/or mint, there’s a fair to good chance you’ll be a fan of Metromint” for publication may be beyond help.
[Reply]
Are those ads for real?! O.o Either he was about to quit or really wanted to get fired.
Or maybe he was trying to pander to the younger crowd and undershot their IQ level. “What are the kids thinking about these days? Oh, I know! Nothing!”
Rebekah: Those blurbs were all real, and here’s one more: the ad for Cascadian Farm Hearty Morning Cereal read “The kind of hearty morning cereal that could only be called Hearty Morning.” Yes, I see, thanks for that.
[Reply]
Ming Reply:
October 27th, 2009 at 9:08 PM
I’m speechless
Rebekah: An appropriate response. Bloomingfoods would never do this its patrons.
[Reply]
Why would anyone want to bump off a co-op? Maybe someone can’t stand the competition?
Rebekah: Albertsons grocery is only a block or two away, and Toucan Market would surely benefit from monopolizing the town’s hippies…
[Reply]
Quirky hipster co-op worker is quirky.
-grumbled the skinny APC-wearing, Morrissey-listening young man.
Rebekah: Trying to tell me something, eh? Are you Beach Wolf, Pravit?
[Reply]
I totally hummed the “Pink Panther” theme while reading this entry…
Rebekah: … which only enhanced your air of general awesomeness.
[Reply]
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg someone was either desperate or REALLY not paying attention when they trustingly sent that off to the printers! that’s priceless. Especially the beans…. lol
Rebekah: I knew you’d appreciate the situation. =) Maybe the Big Boss writes this stuff and no one can stop him/her…
[Reply]
This is most unusual!
Despite the bizzarre nature of the advertisements, I think your pulp fiction/ film noir narrative style is brilliant!
Cheers!
Rebekah: Thank you kindly!
[Reply]
I myself thought of Guy Noir while reading this.
Rebekah: I’m flattered! I was thinking a cross between Guy Noir and Sam Spade.
[Reply]